April 2009
16 posts
oh, that i had someone to whisper to! a shadow passed across the ceiling and i felt myself pushed forward - what was reflected; some obscure distress and at the same time, a luminous pride. some say we do not obtain the most precious gifts by going in search of them, but by waiting for them. i have seen archepelagos in the stars, feverish skies where i was free to roam. i find something natural in...
it may be that some of the thoughts i have just confessed to you are illusory and defective, any notion of teleological justification being, of couse, rejected in advance. much has been said about weakness, but that is not what we are to despair over - the self must be broken in order to become itself. finally, oh reason, oh happiness, i cleared from the sky the blue which is darkness, and i lived...
not a single one of the brilliant arguements of madness did i forget - i can go through them all again, i’ve got the system down by heart. the soul empties itself of all its contents in order to recieve into itself the being it is looking at, just as it is in all its truth. i fall again and again ito a heavy sleep which lasts several days at a time, and when i awaken, my dreams continue.
i forgot about everything and drifted on. as a rule, men are conscious only momentarily - we live in a world of unreality and dreams. i see that nature is a show of kindness - my heart has been stabbed by grace - i want to get up and go out, do anything, no matter what, to stupify myself. it is in affliction itself that the splendour of mercy shines from its very depths, in the heart of its...
some say that a person is the essence of his desires; the thrill, both moral and physical that grips you at the sight of sublime things. it follows that sorrow should be preferred over joy, for it quickens the soul; when it does not vanquish, it stimulates. may your eyes go to the sun - some evening i shall recall the past and repeat my words of mourning - today, however, the sky is too bright,...
reality lapses, cannot keep up with itself; i am left with my opinion. melancholy calm of outstretched reality, after the sweating and panting of flesh - the lull. i had to travel to dissipate the enchantments that crowded me - the plaintive flesh senses the restless echo of past delights still suggested by some provocative refrain.
whatever is not yet forgotten is not entirely dead. when i was a child my vision was refined in certain skies, my face is the product of every nuance, all phenomena were aroused. now my thoughts have nothing on which to build, and my persistent passions, offsprings of a forgotten past, have imperceptibly reached their peak. we are shaped by definite influences; we must therefore discern them.
but how silent is the night - i am almost afraid to fall asleep. i have to struggle against myself to get free from a gentle, insistent, and finally crushing embrace. thought emerges from the dark background, the future appears above the dark as a ribbon of space. i will turn my thoughts from earlier dreams in order to begin a new life.
life is merely a means, not an end - i shall not pursue it for its own sake. disgust bordering on nausea on looking at life, the life that must be lived! i prefer my dream. to exist before god may seem unendurable to man because he cannot come back to himself, become himself. the first spontaneous outbursts of the soul are easy; easy, too, the first ecstacies. a faith recaptured after its...
a new type of sanctity is indeed a fresh spring, an invention. let everything serve to instruct me - the splintering of grace before a new violence. reality is within us, our mind creates its truths. the possibility of such visible forms is endless.
the soul is eternally wandering, effecting uneasy migrations, across an unending series of fleeting forms and mutiple lives, in an attempt to manifest itself. perhaps its lassitude is caused by all these former lives, or perhaps it is still very young, and that causes its boundless yearnings. oh mirage, during life, of things beyond life! this will be the resolution of a chord held too long in...
laying hold of my nature, i bring forth again and again this multitude of beings. i navigated the algebra of the city, sought forgiveness in the narrow corridors - an enormous stirring raises me. how i loathe the servitude people try to hold up to me as being so valuable - i pity the man who it condemned to it, who cannot escape it, but it is not the burden of his labour that disposes me in his...
at last i begin to consider my mind’s disorder favourable. when i was still a little child i admired the hardened convict on whom the prison door will always close; i saw with his eyes the blue sky and the flowwer-filled work of the fields; i followed his fatal scent through city streets. i shall recognize what i alone have been put on this earth to do, what unique message i alone may bear,...
the wind weaves itself into a course of secrets, birds speak with their wings the descriptions of its tale, sounds drained down from the sky and splitting on the corners of buildings. the real has no existence and the unreal never ceases to be. the seers of truth have percieved the reality of both.
a vibrant atmosphere of restless harmonies surrounds me. in the market they sell voices picked from the rubble of fallen towers - i long to express in plain song the bling impulse of fresh sap, and the desire, still without declamation, to take refuge in chaste thought, in the noble life of speculation. perhaps new songs will spill forth - the most beautiful life possible is one where everything...
still others, subtleties, traps set by the bantering mind. an atmosphere i’ve created envelops my soul and unconsciously colours my vision of reality. night - very faintly, a sweet, drowsy melody evokes a dream. the setting of vanished suns, the stir of dusk floods my soul. the fields are in bloom.
June 2008
1 post
“the guy was going out in.. january. i looked at the phone book i think bukkake or something.. i met a guy that i dated for a month—part of the reason was because i liked his last name so you’d get married and fall in love? yes.. and take his name forever.. it’s so stupid my mom is going to call me wait i have a text from him… of course close to me yes hannah i mean...